i am satan.

i know what i did, i know how its effected/ing people. two certain people. two certain people i was closer to then any random stranger. i wake up every morning feeling this guilt following my shadow around and around all day long. i beg for it to go away but as i beg i let it stay because i deserve this guilt to gobble me up whole, eat me alive, chew me to pieces until i can't walk anymore. i've hurt people before. but what i've done is indescribable, its unacceptable and wrong on to many levels to count. and while you sit there thinking that the only reason i'm hurting is because he fucked me over big time, its not. i know the things you go through and i know the people you hate and the people that hurt you and i hated them, i hated their fucking guts for putting all that hurt into your body forcing yourself to hurt yourself, it made me so mad that i wanted them to feel your pain. and now i've become one of them, one of those people that add onto a little piece of your depression. it sickens me. it hurts me. i want to take back time and undo everything. but thats impossible. i can't say sorry, because a simple word with a simple meaning doesn't make up for the pain i've given you. but i can show you that i do not think that it was right and i can show you that it is eating away at me. and you, you loved me more then anyone ever could, you truly, honestly loved me with all your heart. and i tore it from your chest. i ripped it out, chewed on it and threw it away and realizing it now, thinking about it, looking at myself in the mirror reminding me what i have done to you every single fucking day, is unexplainable. you didn't deserve it. damn it both of you didn't deserve it. and i can't even say sorry to you in any form of way except write this fucking blog. i am not happy about what i've done. i am not fulfilled. complete. anything. i lost two people and gained none. and realizing that now. it sucks. and i deserve every piece of pain i get.